see u there X)

and yup, thats me adding u keke.

i dont know when it was that i started losing the momentum to pen my thoughts here, pour my feelings out like no one's reading. like u know how they say dance like no one is looking? or love like u've never loved before. .. whatever it is, along the way, i kinda lost it. what's it? .. idk really. the momentum? the inspiration? just the willingness to sit down and .. share?

but i guess that's the tricky thing about blogs, wordpresses, LJs, tumblrs, u name it. dont know abt others but it's like u know u wanna use it as a platform to let ur thoughts known, yet precisely because of its public nature, u dont exactly wanna reveal everything. even if u do, it'll be in codes and metaphors that only u'd understand. and i think, along the way, gradually and eventually, this mode of writing is restrictive and doesnt allow for entirely honest expression. it's like ur real honest words wont eventually end up here, here. at most, they'll be among the pages of that trusty actually tangible journal u can hold in your hand, close to your heart, literally.

but i miss writing. i really do. those who have been "reading" me will know how much writing means to me. it's my source of relief; therapeutic even. so much so that i miss the times when i can be totally honest with myself through the words that materialise. i think that when i stopped being able to do that, i started losing a sense of who i am.

.
.
.

deep down though, writing makes things so permanent.

what i mean is that, in writing about something that u dont necessarily want to think about, it makes it all the more.. real. .. like if u didnt actually go on to write about it, whether or not it will eventually be read by others, u can pretend like it didnt happen, like it's not affecting u, like it's not actually real.. yes? because then nothing's been written in black&white, right?


and as much as i try to not come to this conclusion, only i know fully well why i seem to have had a halt.


in writing about things, it has that effect of forcing u to face up to reality, that things are happening and affecting u in one way or another, and that you have to eventually face up to yourself.


so i have made a .. should we call it, a pledge? lol. it sounds too serious. hmm, okay more like a promise to myself. to start writing again. whether here or anywhere else, it doesnt matter. i just need to resume writing. there have been too many distractions along the way that i lost that sense of urgency to be in touch with my feelings through this lovely mode of expression but not anymore. at least in these next few months, i can make it like a before-i-leave project. 


and it's a long one. and it feels good.
yes, i need to find me, before i totally forget the me who makes me, me.


good night :)

( cuteness overload. )

i know i have so much to update eversince attachment started at fuchun sec. i must say though that its been a really interesting time to be in such close proximity to kids with special needs, autism in particular and they're really fantastic folks. i have this really really soft spot for this one particular fella; like omg, he's such a gem, i love him (so much) already.


but. nothing's been set in stone.. so it'd be a lie if i were to say im not still sending resumes out coz i have. and, a few have replied.. and i actually have appointments set for this fri and sat. so, we'd have to see where i go from here.. all i know is, im still not keen in being a mainstream teacher. even if i were to indeed go down the teaching line, coz i am passionate about that, my students would require that extra effort from me coz they come with (special) needs of their own. am i making sense?


but oh man. i think i need some serious energy booster. coz am like so tired out everyday, i hardly have the energy to do anything else. and that my friends, wont do.


school's gonna run cross- country this friday. i wont be running along lol. will be packing food instead keke.


and before i start rambling nonsense coz half my brain's already fried, adios!